Dueling With Honor
I was talking with a couple one time about how it seems some married people fight all the time. Most of the time those couples fight in an unhelpful way that leads to another argument that leads to another and another. When we were talking this couple told me that they never argue or fight about anything. All I could think was one of them had given up and just let the other have their own way.
When we were growing up no one ever sat us down and told us how to actually have a tough talk with someone. There is this idea of a “fairy tale marriage” which is always happily ever after. It is exactly that, a fairy tale. The truth about being together is that we will not always agree or see things the same way. So how do you have a “discussion” without destroying your relationship? How do we duel with honor?
There are some ways that are wrong when it comes to dueling.
Looking for a fight in every interaction means that everything has to be made bigger than it truly needs to be. Arguing just to argue is a crazy way to honor anyone.
Other times we start something at the wrong time and other people get dragged into the fight. Timing can be everything in a duel. We need to make sure it is the right place and right time for every duel.
Sometimes people attack each other and not the issue. A heart shot is not always needed. We need to realize that issues come and go, but we gave our hearts to someone forever. If we remember that we need to take care of each other and let some stuff just go.
Still though, other people just fall on their own sword just to keep the peace. When two people are together and always see things the same way, then one of them is not really vital to the relationship. Falling on a sword leads to resentment and even bigger problems eventually.
How to duel with honor:
Go to the duel alone. Make sure that a disagreement stays just between the two of you. There is no reason to bring other people into the duel. Jesus even tells us in Matthew 18:15 to go in private to a person to talk through an issue. When you drag other people into you only make the bloodshed worse. Besides who wants that many opinions about anything? Make sure you don’t rehearse your duel with others no matter how bad you want to share your triumph or get some sympathy when you lose.
We need to stay focused on the topic at hand. Proverbs 17:24 says “An intelligent person aims at wise action, but a fool starts off in many directions.” The hard part about an argument is that it can lead to so many more things to talk about. It is just smart to stay on topic and work through one thing at a time. It is smart, just super tough to do. Only tackle one thing at a time and then move to the next thing when it comes up. If not you just always keep the trouble stirred up. And when the argument is done then leave it laying where it was finished.
Take off the armor and really talk about the true issue. Many times we avoid the real issue because we think it is too tough to talk about. So dig deep, and argue about what the true issue is.
We need to avoid going for the heart shot. Remember we are having the “discussion” to heal and to grow closer together. Not everything is something. If we could just remember that when we get irritated it would be awesome. “Make a clean break with all cutting, backbiting, profane talk. Be gentle with one another, sensitive. Forgive one another as quickly and thoroughly as God in Christ forgave you.” Ephesians 4:31-32 (MsgB) Paul offers us some good advice on how to stay out of a duel to the death in those verses.
Allow for retreat with dignity. When we get into a duel we need to allow a place for the other person to lay down their weapons and live. We do this because it is the right thing to do, but also because one day we will realize we need to lay down our weapons. When that day is here we are hoping they do not strike for the jugular but have mercy on us. How we treat others will be returned to us when they get the chance. Don’t forget that when you are laying down weapons.
So we need to duel with honor because we may hate the situation, but we definitely love each other. So enter the duel so you both survive. After all, we need to remember that we are in this relationship together.