Trouble Shooting Your Marriage 4 – How to Have a Good Fight
We had friends once who told me that in their marriage they never argued. I asked are you sure? They said yes, not once. Then it struck me. One of them had given up. You know, just going with the flow so not to upset the apple cart. I soon figured out that it was the husband. He had simply leaned to say yes to whatever she wanted or suggested. It always made me laugh. To think two people could spend that much time together and never have a disagreement boggled my mind.
Before Shelly and I got married no one ever sat us down and talked us through how to have a good fight. Now, don’t get me wrong. The idea is not to have a fight, but to make sure the fight does not escalate to the point of ruining it all for both of you. I always remember that at one point there were only two brothers in the world and one of them killed the other over a disagreement. Where two people are gathered God will be there, but so will strife.
That being said, how do we have a good fight? I’ve got some ideas on what we can do to make that happen. Here are some thoughts that might help.
Set the Ground Rules Before the Issue Arises
“You must get rid of these things: anger…and hateful feelings. No insults or obscene talk must ever come from your lips. Do not lie to one another.”
Colossians 3:8 – 9 (GN)
Never compare – This should be a rule for every part of our lives, but especially our marriages. Each marriage and couple is different, so don’t go comparing your friend’s greatest days of marriage to your worst. We usually only see each other’s best days, so we don’t see the full picture with their bad days included. Make sure you never compare each other to anyone else.
Never use absolutes – Almost nothing escalates a fight like giving someone an ultimatum. When we say if you don’t – I will it can back someone into a corner. You never want to back someone into a corner, ever. A strange thing happens every once in a while when we are in a relationship. Sometimes we are wrong. Then there we are standing on our absolutes and we have no place to stand.
Never fight in the bedroom – It’s simple; don’t turn your most intimate place into a war room. The bedroom should be our one place that we are together with no echoes or shadows. So keep it a sacred place.
Never compete – Make sure that you always look for common ground not a medal. It is hard enough to stay married when we are going the same way. Do not make it even tougher by turning it into a competition. We are competing against everything else in the world that fights against us staying together. So stay on the same team.
Never change lanes – Keep your “discussion” on point. Many times when we are in a fight we try to change lanes, especially if we are losing. If you try to attack two things at once you will get beaten by both of them. Do your best to fix the problem at hand, not all the problems you can think of.
Never play the reporter – No one wants to be told what they have done wrong. Don’t shoot back their responses in a negative way that pushes the fight to a new level. It does no good to try to make comments on their actions or words. They know what they did. Keep the step by step reporting to the news channels.
Never play the scorekeeper – It is always tough to make progress when we keep reminding each other who won or lost the last fight. When the fight is over, just be glad and move on. Having learned from each encounter we move and let go.
Never become historians – Unlike the scorekeeper the historian is not worried about wins or losses. They only care about how many times something has happened and are ready to remind someone of their shortcomings. History is a good teacher but no one wants to always hear about it.
Never be a psychologist – Nothing is more frustrating than someone trying to figure out why we are the way we are. Don’t try to analyze why your spouse is doing something, especially not out loud.
Never quit – Giving up seems easier at times. The only problem is that if you give up you can never know what could have been. There are times when you will need to just get away from each other maybe, but don’t give up on each other.
There you have it. My four thoughts on trouble shooting your marriage and take some steps to avoid trouble before it starts. Most of all remember the love that brought you together in the first place. That love will see you through anything you face as a couple.