Trouble Shooting Your Marriage 1 – Handling Expectations

I’ve talked to and helped married couples with trouble for some 30 years.  I have talked to couples who have been done for years, they just had not said it out loud yet.  Other couples were heading to trouble but did not see it coming yet.  Others were just doing some trouble shooting to make sure they would make it through any trouble that came their way.

In all those years and all those conversations, I have not kept an official tally but have kept track in my head about what these problems arise from.  I have an idea that all these troubles can be placed in one of four categories.  I know exactly what you are thinking.  Four categories, there is no way they all fit into that few of categories.  I honestly believe they will fall into one of these categories: Missed Expectations, Money, Sex and Conflict.  We’ll take some time and talk about them over the next weeks.  Maybe by the end you can buy into my four categories of trouble in our marriages.

Expectations, we all have them and we live with and are disappointed when they are not fulfilled.  How do I know this?  Well let me tell you a story about Shelly and I.  There was a day when she seemed to be a little on edge with me.  I asked her what was wrong.  I’m real quick and perceptive when it comes to figuring out what is wrong.  She told me that she does not like it when I don’t put the toilet seat down in the bathroom.  I looked at her like she was crazy and then asked her how long it had been bothering her.  She said for years.  I asked her why she never said anything about it before now.  She just said she didn’t know but it bothered her.  Me, being the kind and considerate person that I am turned around and walked back to the toilet and put the seat down.  I then announced that from now on it would be down per her request.

It was an expectation she had never expressed, but got me into trouble.  Don’t worry I’m not throwing her under the bus.  I have my expectations as well.  The problem is that no one tells us to talk about these expectations before we are married.  I guess they figure we will get around to figuring those things out eventually.  Think of the headaches we could have avoided if we would have just expressed them.  When I talk to couples I give them a list of questions to get them talking. 

Here are some of them to maybe grease the conversation for you.

Expectation Questions:

          We will have kids right away                       Y       N

          We will be involved in church                     Y       N

          Being in debt is no big deal                          Y       N

          We will both work                                                Y       N

          Major decisions will be made by both of us Y       N

          We will go to both families on holidays       Y       N

          We split the chores around the house           Y       N

These are just some starters that could help get some expectations out there and spoken.  That way we spend less time guessing and more time just living and enjoying each other.  I think the Bible talks about some things we should expect and that we should work to experience in our marriages.

What the Bible says to expect:

That your marriage will not always be a fairy tale

           “I told you these things so that you can have peace in me. In this world you will have trouble, but be brave! I have defeated the world.“                                                                                                           John 16:33 (NCV)

That your marriage can be a great partnership

           Then the LORD God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will              make a helper who is right for him.“                        Genesis 2:18 (NCV)

Your marriage will need work to keep it going strong

           So a man will leave his father and mother and be united with his wife, and the two will become one body.                              Genesis 2:24 (NCV)

You both must meet in the middle on key issues

          Yield to obey each other because you respect Christ.
                                                                                      Ephesians 5:21 (NCV)

A loving couple can work together to make a great marriage

          Wives, yield to your husbands, as you do to the Lord, because the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ is the head of the church. And he is the Savior of the body, which is the church.  As the church yields to Christ, so you wives should yield to your husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself for it to make it belong to God. Christ used the word to make the church clean by washing it with water.  He died so that he could give the church to himself like a bride in all her beauty. He died so that the church could be pure and without fault, with no evil or sin or any other wrong thing in it.  In the same way, husbands should love their wives as they love their own bodies. The man who loves his wife loves himself.                                 Ephesians 5:22-28 (NCV)

Those last verses drive people crazy.  They have been used to pump up men to rule their homes like a king.  They have also been used to keep women down.  What if we just realized that if we are worth trusting then it doesn’t matter who leads.  Find the one who leads and knows best and both follow their lead.  We need to know that if we love and give way to each other at different times our marriage can work. 

What if we expected the best from and believed the best in each other.  Trouble will come knocking; we just don’t always have to answer the door.  If we just tell each other what we expect before it becomes a problem in our marriage.  We might just be amazed at how well things go for us.