Being Married is Tough #1 – Talk Early & Often

One of the things that is true for everyone who has been married is that it is tough. Not many tell you that before you get married, but when they sit in ceremony and watch a wedding they all know it is true. So if marriage is tough we better have a marriage that is tough as well. So maybe the next few weeks we talk about what a tough marriage looks like. After all, if you are going to make it together you better be pretty tough.

The letter T stands for “Talk Early & Often.” The crazy thing is that we will talk to each other. Most of the time we wait until we are so mad that we say way more than we ever meant to say. That is the problem with talking at times. Words can come out a lot faster than our brain can stop them. We have all made that speech we will always live to regret. So the thing we need to do is to think then talk and having a plan for how to do that starts early and needs to be remembered often.

Talk When You Are Calm

This is the one that can be tough if you do not come to an agreement early on that you will not talk when you are angry. In Proverbs 15:1 & 2 the Bible says, “A gentle answer will calm a person’s anger, but an unkind answer will cause more anger. Wise people use knowledge when they speak, but fools pour out foolishness.” King Solomon had plenty of wives to argue with and so when he says that if you stay calm you deescalate a situation instead of blowing it up even bigger than when it began.

It is simply realizing that it is better to be calm than to talk when you are upset or in a bad situation. When you both agree that you will only talk through the big things or little things when you both have your sense about you will change your relationship. It is tough to wait until you are calm, but it will make all the difference in how you view each other and the words that you use.

Listen to Understand Not to Trap

The brother of Jesus, James gives us some priceless advice in his letter. James writes: “My dear brothers and sisters, always be willing to listen and slow to speak. Do not become angry easily, because anger will not help you live the right kind of life God wants.” James encourages us to be quick to listen, to be ready to hear what they say is what I think he means. We need to be ready to hear what they are not saying.
Most people do not want to be heard as much as they want to be understood. So if we listen and talk with empathy for where the other person currently is at that moment in their life can completely redirect the conversation. But, the weight of all this is on our ability to slow down our mouths and speed up our ears. Will we not listen to win the argument, but to understand their side of the story. When we try to trap someone else we will eventually find ourselves trapped in a place we cannot escape from.

Make Your Words Worthwhile

Paul writes in Ephesians 4:29, “When you talk, do not say harmful things, but say what people need – words that will help others become stronger. Then what you say will do good to those who listen to you.” It is very easy for me to be cutting and sarcastic with my words. But then again, when you don’t have a leg to stand on; you just work on taking their legs out from under them. It is a cheap and easy win, but at what continual cost to your relationship.

What if we stopped to consider the weight of our words? We need to ask the old cliché questions about our words. Is this helpful? True? Will this make their life better? What would I do if someone said that to me? You words have worth, more than we realize when we say them. Funny how much they are worth when they come from someone else’s mouth. If we stop once again we begin to realize that we need to check our mouths before we just say what we feel. Always remember that words last a lifetime, so make them worth remembering forever.

Be Honest and Humble

Eugene Peterson translates Paul’s words in Ephesians 4:15 like this, “God wants us to grow up, to know the whole truth and tell it in love—like Christ in everything. We take our lead from Christ, who is the source of everything we do.” Paul wants us to know the truth. To be honest with each other is a gift we can give each other. Only problem is that when we are right, we usually make sure to announce it pretty loudly. So Paul says, we know the truth, but can we speak it with humility to each other. Can our truth be tempered with a little love?

It is the ability to share truth and not blow up our relationships that is the trick. Christ shared truth all the time, and he balanced it with the love He had for those he was talking with. It is to be easy to live with when we are right, and ready to be humble when we are wrong. Our words will lead us and our relationship down a path. Which path do you want to go down? Where do you want your relationship to end up?

Talking early and often will lead to some great conversations which will only help us be tough when it is hard to get along with each other. But if we talk only when things are wrong or we are upset then the talks never go very far at all. Be ready to listen and slow to speak so that you can grow closer together and tougher at the same time.